21 Things You Need to Stop Doing If You Want to Be a Happier Mama in 2021

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Want to make 2021 your best year yet, Mama? Here are 21 things to stop doing to yourself if you want to be happier this year.

On December 31st, 2019, at 10:30 p.m., I sat in the bathtub with a glass of wine and a notebook.

My husband was working in China at the time. My kids were in bed, having toasted the new year with sparkling cider at 8 p.m. My parents (who the boys and I were staying with) were at a New Year’s Eve party. 

I was all alone, reflecting on the previous year and planning for the next one. Of course, no one could have planned for 2020, but reading back over those bathtub notes now, one year later, I’m struck by how many of the goals that I set for myself were accomplished. By how closely my vision of the way I wanted my future to look and feel matches how things actually turned out. Sure, I didn’t hit every mark, but I had a vision and I stuck to it, even when ‘plans’ changed.

Taking time out of our busy lives to decide what we want the future to look like is POWERFUL. Last year, I wrote on this blog about 20 habits we should consider adopting in 2020. This year, I’m chatting instead about some things we can cut out in the interest of enjoying a simple, efficient, joyful life.

21 Things Happy Mamas Might Stop Doing in 2021

Stop Comparing Yourself with Others

It’s so easy to see what everyone is up to these days (or what they want us to see). Inevitably, once we start comparing, we fall short. Stop comparing your home, your family, and your mothering with those of your fellow moms. Focus instead on getting clear about what you want your life to look like and making that a reality.

Stop Asking Your Family Members to “Help” with the Chores

Even if you are a SAHM, you shouldn’t be responsible for EVERY childcare or home management task. When your partner and children do a chore or watch a child, they’re not helping you. They are participating as full members of the family. So, for this to work, you not only have to change your language when speaking to your family, but you need to stop trying to do everything alone.

Quit Expecting Everyone to Read Your Mind

We all have our own set of expectations and biases that we bring to any situation. Don’t assume that other people know what these are. If we are expecting someone to do or say something, often, we have to tell them. This doesn’t cheapen or negate the experience. It just means you might actually get what you want.

Stop Saying “I Don’t Have Time for…”

You have 1,440 minutes in a day. Realistically, you have “time” for pretty much anything you choose as a priority. Practice replacing “I don’t have time for [x]” with “[x] isn’t a priority for me right now.” Note how you feel. If saying something (exercise, playing with your kids, calling your best friend) isn’t a priority for you right now makes you feel bad, it might be time to reorganize your day in a way that better reflects those priorities.

Stop Leaving the Stuff You Want to Do for Last

How many times do you get to the end of the day and realize you haven’t done anything nice for yourself? How might this change if, as you planned each day, you put those things you wanted to do on the calendar first? You could then work your appointments and to-do list around these essential tasks.

Quit Beginning Your Day without a Plan

If you don’t have an idea for how you want to spend your day, there’s a good chance it will go off the rails. As moms, there are simply too many urgent-but-not-important things vying for our attention. Sitting down the night before to set a priority for the day and choosing a manageable number of must-do tasks makes us much more likely to complete them.

Stop Saying ‘Yes’ When You Don’t Mean It

Sometimes it feels like one of the hardest words to say, but we mamas have to start flexing our “no” muscle. Saying “yes” when “no” is your real answer leads to overwhelm. It causes resentment. It means that your important projects and plans can’t get the attention they need. What if you made “no” your default answer in 2021 instead of “yes”? How might your life look different?

Stop Criticizing Yourself

Let’s all pinky swear in 2021 to stop being so darn critical of ourselves. If you’re like most of us, your self-talk is terrible. You’re harder on yourself than you’d ever be on your partner, friends, or kids.

Affirmations are a great way to change this negative self-talk over time, but I like to use an even simpler process throughout the day. If my best friend came to me, totally beside herself for a mistake she’d made, what would I say to her? And then I say that to myself.

Quit Feeling Guilty About the Choices You’re Making as a Mom

Like the negative self-talk, it’s time for the constant guilt to stop. Guilt can sometimes be a great indicator that your life doesn’t match up with your values. It’s worth taking a look the first time you feel bad about, say, feeding your kids chicken nuggets out of a box, and considering if this is something so odious that it needs to go.

You might answer, “well, it’s not the best thing in the world for them to eat, but they love it, and it makes one night a week easier for me. It’s worth it.” There you go. You’ve made your choice. Take comfort in the fact that you’ve now made the best decision you could, and don’t waste any energy feeling bad about it.

Stop Focusing on What You ‘Should’ Do

It’s time to stop “should”-ing yourself. You are a grownup now, and you get to choose what to do based on your priorities. Instead of thinking about what you “should” do, consider instead what you want to do.

If “should” keeps popping up, ask yourself why you think you should do this task? What do you fear will happen if you don’t do it? Does reminding yourself that you can choose to do it or not do it change the way you feel about it? Let 2021 be the year you become aware of both what you actually want to be doing and who you truly are—the year you change your shoulds into coulds.

Stop Worrying About the Future

As much as we love to make a plan and consider what we think will happen, we have absolutely no idea what is coming tomorrow. It might be something wonderful. It’s possibly something terrible, but worrying about what tomorrow might bring makes today shitty, too. How might your life look different if you assumed tomorrow would be great, and that no matter what came up, you were equipped to handle it?

Quit Holding Onto the Past

Ruminating over things that happened in the past is usually a waste of our time and energy. In my case, thinking about the past rarely involves smiling over treasured memories. Instead, I’m rehashing an argument again and again or beating myself up over what turned out to be a poor choice. In 2021, let’s resolve to grab the lesson as quickly as possible and then stop obsessing about things that can’t be changed.

Stop Looking for What’s Missing

What if you decided your life was perfect? Right now. Just the way it is? It’s so easy to walk through life looking for what isn’t there and imagining things would be perfect if we had everything we wanted. The truth is, though, that we quickly adapt to any new thing we get, and we stop appreciating it. Focusing on gratitude for the things we have is the easiest way to make all that stuff we don’t have yet unnecessary.

Quit Waiting to Be Motivated to Do Things

How often do you beat yourself up because you “just can’t get motivated” to work on some kind of challenging project? The truth is, that if you sit around and wait to get motivated, your project may never happen. Instead, try just starting, even when you absolutely don’t feel like it, with one tiny step done for just a few minutes. I’ll be that you’ll find that this action breeds motivation.

Stop Waiting to Be Happy

Much like motivation, happiness is one of those things that we often think will just randomly show up one day when the weather is nice and nothing goes wrong. It might. But we can cultivate happiness with specific actions we take every day. Practicing gratitude, meditating, savoring your experiences, and being kind to others, for instance, have all been scientifically proven to make our lives happier. Consider making 2021 the year you adopt a happiness practice.

Stop Pretending to Be Someone You’re Not

It’s exhausting trying to put a false face on for the world. Our culture of “showing the good parts” on social media makes everyone else’s life look perfect. It encourages us to bury our freak flags a little deeper in the garage. In 2021, why not resolve to publicly be who you really are? 

Stop Complaining About the Way Things Are

Complaining is a waste of energy that you could be using to make a change. Period. If you’re unhappy with the way things are, you have two choices: change the situation, or change your attitude.

When looking for ways to change your situation, don’t be afraid to consider radical solutions. As for changing your attitude, I often try to reframe my complaint as a statement of gratitude, for instance, “the living room looks like a disaster with toys everywhere,” becomes “I’m so grateful to have happy, active children who make life fun.”

Quit Procrastinating

Procrastination is often a mask for perfectionism. We’re not sure how to do things ‘right’ so we don’t start at all. Why not make 2021 the year that you push through your resistance to starting and take the first (or next) step?

My favorite way to invigorate a project that is stalled is to consider the next action step that needs to be taken. Once I know what that is, I set a timer for a short block—say 10 or 25 minutes—and get to work.

Stop Being So Busy

We love being busy in western culture. It’s the badge of honor. The humble brag. The thing we say to let people know that we aren’t lazy. But busy isn’t a synonym for productive or for fulfilling. It just indicates that you’re running around from one thing to another all the time.

Make 2021 the year you stop celebrating this silly word. Resolve to be less busy. To focus on fewer priorities, and to add some white space into your schedule to rest and dream.

Stop Taking Such Poor Care of Yourself

Speaking of resting and dreaming, please stop taking such poor care of yourself this year. If you’re like most moms, you aren’t getting sufficient sleep or exercise. You aren’t drinking enough water or eating the food that makes your body happy. This year, remember that you are a key asset in your family, and if you don’t care for yourself first, things start to fall apart.

Stop Living in a Space That Makes You Miserable

If you don’t like your environment, change it. Although it often feels like our situation is set in stone, frequently we haven’t gotten creative or brave enough to shake things up.

Physical clutter can be removed 10 minutes at a time or all at once through a blitz. Relationships can be repaired gradually through tough conversations and hard work or ended once and for all when they’ve run their course. Our homes, workplaces, and even neighborhoods can always be improved or changed entirely. Resolve that in 2021 you will make the environment you live in daily one that supports and energizes you.

This year, even though I expect I’ll be hanging out with my hubby at 10:30 p.m. on New Year’s Eve instead of alone in the bathtub, I’ll still be carving out some time to reflect and look ahead.

If you’d like to join me, grab this free “Reflect and Dream” printable from the Mamas’ Lounge. It’s got prompts to help you celebrate 2020 (yes, really!) and make some great plans for 2021.