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Raise your hand if you redecorated your Christmas tree this year.
Many mamas of littles seem to have a yearly Christmas ritual:
- We watch our little sweeties decorate the tree while cringing a little inside, worried they might break something important and irritated that things aren’t being put in the ‘right’ places.
- When they’re done, we shake our heads at the cluster of ornaments hanging on the front of the bottom three branches.
- We snap a cute photo of kiddo with ornament in hand for Grandma or Instagram. Then, we move everything into its proper place before taking the glorious “after” photo.
I was joking with some online friends about this phenomenon recently, and it became clear that this silly tree redecorating ritual was a symptom of something uglier.
As we shared our stories,
- one mom admitted that she turned down a teenage daughter’s offer to help fold laundry. After all, Mom knew she could do it better and faster herself.
- Another rejected her husband’s offer to go to the grocery store because she knew he’d forget something the family needed.
- A third said that she’d stopped asking her four-year-old to put her toys away because the little girl didn’t do it properly.
And then one mom brought up a buzzword.
Mental load.
As in, we moms sure carry an especially giant mental load during the holidays.
Hmmm….
The Mental Load of Motherhood
In case you don’t know this term, the mental load, which pretty much everyone agrees is disproportionately carried by mothers, is all that extra invisible labor that we mamas often take on. Things like:
- Remembering that kid #1 decided he hated broccoli last week, so the broccoli-rice casserole we’ve been enjoying on the regular for years is going to have to be modified if we want there to be any chance that he’ll eat it.
- Noting that kid #2 needs new shoes, size 4, and there’s a coupon for Kohl’s in the stack of mail on the kitchen counter.
- Noticing that we only have 3 rolls of toilet paper left, which we’ll use in the next week based on everyone’s current rate of consumption.
Yeah. Mom mental load is real.
But you know what’s a little bit disingenuous and martyr-y to include as part of your mental load?
Shit you decide to do that doesn’t actually need to be done. (Or that needs to be done, but not by you.) And I hate to break it to you, but a lot of the stuff on your current to-do list probably falls into that category.
Why do we choose martyrdom?
Look, I know the line feels blurry sometimes between what is necessary and what is optional.
Our idea of what we must do as mothers gets wrapped up in the things we believe based on our life experiences, the real or imagined expectations of others, and the public face we want to present to the world.
And so we believe that because our own parents made Christmas magical, as good mothers, we must do the same.
And that one mom on Instagram had her Elf on the Shelf make a mess in the flour yesterday. The kids would get such a kick out of that...
And that’s how you find yourself willingly dumping perfectly good flour all over your kitchen counter. Flour that you’ll resent having to clean up later.
Already on your “must-do list” is scrubbing your kitchen floor before your mother-in-law comes over. You know she expects you to keep a spotless house. Or at least you think she does based on that one time 6 years ago she came over and commented on the spots on your kitchen floor. Those spots don’t really bother you, but managing them is something you have taken on as a necessity.
Because if your mother-in-law thinks your floor is dirty, or your kids seem a little disappointed at Christmastime, or your Instagram followers don’t think your Christmas tree looks amazing, what does that say about you?
And that’s the main reason for much of this extra work, isn’t it?
We’re afraid that someone will see our home, our kids, or even our Christmas tree and think that we didn’t measure up.
So how do we fix this?
Start listening to your own voice
I know she’s buried in there somewhere. You, I mean. She has her own ideas about what she’d like to be doing with her days.
As you’re going through your day, get in the habit of asking yourself, “why am I doing this?” Listen to the answer when it comes. Answers along the lines of, “because I love it”, “because I gladly take excellent care of my family” show that you’re on the right track.
And if you hear that little whisper of resentment starting, take a step back. Ask yourself what you can simplify while still staying true to the principles that are important to you.
Share the load, even when it feels hard
Mama, you can and should share the load of managing your home and caring for your family.
Sure, maybe you’re better than the people that you live with at most of the childrearing and house cleaning tasks that need to be done. We ladies are socialized that way. We are judged for the way we do all this stuff, and sometimes shamed when we fall short, so we work really hard to get it right.
Continuing to do it all by yourself, though, because you think you might do it better is dumb.
- It’s dumb because it stresses you out.
- It’s dumb because it robs your kids of the opportunity to learn how to care for themselves and their spaces.
- It dumb because it takes away your partner’s chance to be a…partner.
And while we’re at it, stop asking your family for “help”. Language is important, and asking the people you love to help you do a household task implies that it was your job to do in the first place. I practice saying, “let’s work together to fold the laundry” or “none of us wants to step on Legos, so let’s take 10 minutes together to pick them up.”
It’s a small mental/linguistic shift but an important one. The work involved with keeping a home running smoothly should be shared by every person who lives there. Period.
Above all, Remember that you always have a choice
Although you can’t necessarily choose your circumstances, you can choose your attitude about and response to any situation.
Choose ease
Pare down your list of tasks and commitments to the things that truly matter to you. Don’t add extra tasks unless they are things that you will joyfully do for those whom you love most. (Notice I said things that you will joyfully do—not the things you’ll do while cursing under your breath, rolling your eyes, or complaining constantly.) Feeling resentful is a good indicator that you’ve taken on too much.
Choose collaboration
Decide to look the other way when someone else in your family does a task in a way that you’d consider subpar. Celebrate that they are learning to do it themselves. Enjoy that they are sharing the work that keeps your family running smoothly.
Choose to care a little less about what other people think
If the real or imagined expectations of others are causing you stress, remember that you can choose to let it all go.
Really.
Above all, don’t be a martyr. Voluntarily taking on work that you don’t want to do is silly. You don’t even have to redecorate that all-ornaments-on-the-bottom Christmas tree. Never mind. Of course you do. That shit is crazy-making.
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