What I Wish I Could Have Told Myself on the Worst Day of My Life

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Can you pinpoint the worst day of your life?

If you’d asked me before May 12, 2014, I wouldn’t have been able to give you an answer. Sure, unpleasant things had happened to me, but nothing really stood out as that much worse than your garden-variety bad day.

Six years ago this week, though, I held my husband’s hand as I walked into a small, windowless room that was obviously built for people receiving shitty news. The non-threatening art on the walls. The vaguely inspirational new-agey music in the speakers. The ominous tissue boxes always at arm’s reach.

I looked into my husband’s wide eyes, and I could tell that he, too, already knew the news we’d be receiving in a few minutes. I would walk out of this appointment as a cancer patient, and our lives would never be the same.

Yes, treatment sucked. Yes, six years later, the literal and figurative scars remain. I learned a lot as I trudged through those months of treatment and the years that followed, though. If I could go back to speak that hugely pregnant woman clutching her husband’s hand as she felt the world stop, here’s what I would tell her.

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You are stronger than you know

I know you don’t think that you can do this. I know you don’t feel like a particularly tough person. That’s just because you’ve never been tested. You will bear scary and uncomfortable tests and treatments with courage and grace. 

Relatives, friends, and strangers will say, “I don’t know how you do it.” You will think, “I didn’t get a choice”. You will plod through the pain, fear, and sickness, and you will come out on the other side a warrior. 

One day, in a year or so, you’ll be dragging your wrecked body around the gym. You’ll look at all the musclebound guys trying to outdo each other in the weight room, and you’ll think to yourself, “I’m the toughest motherfucker in here.” And you’ll be right.

You didn’t cause this

Don’t waste your energy speculating on why you are one of the 1 in 8 women who got breast cancer. This misfortune is not your fault. I know you thought you could protect yourself against stuff like this with a vegetarian diet, regular exercise, and using the oven instead of the microwave.

I know you thought that you would surely live to be 100, but who knows if that is true or not? Living a clean life was your attempt to control the uncontrollable.

Bad things happen even to careful people. Instead of wondering why you drew the short straw, vow to celebrate all the days you have left on this planet.

You will thrive again

Remember how you’ve always said you wanted to hike the Inca Trail? You’ll do that in a couple of years. You know how you’ve always thought you might like to run a marathon? You’ll do that, too.

You’ll cruise on a yacht. One year soon, you’ll get rid of all of your worldly possessions and travel internationally with your family. You’ll start a blog, teach more kids to sing, and live in a house with a pool in the backyard. You’ll eat amazing meals, drink wonderful wine, and laugh until your sides hurt.

Your life is far from over. You will be happy again. You will feel good again—in fact, you’ll feel better than good. Your life will be amazing. This is just one chapter in your amazing journey, and to be honest, it makes the story a lot more interesting.

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You are about to learn how wonderful the world is

I know you already think that people are pretty great, but you have no idea. You’ve never really had to ask for help before. Now, though, you’re going to put away your pride and practice saying “thank you”. 

Women you’ve never met will share their breast milk so your newborn can be an exclusively breastfed baby. People you don’t know will send dinners, Amazon gift cards, and hand-knit blankets to cheer you up and help your family. The people you already know and love will step up for you in ways that you never imagined.

The world is a magical place full of kindness, and you are very loved. You’re about to discover just how much.

You are ready for whatever the future will throw at you

You are currently learning how hard life can be, and that, frankly just sucks. It’s also an ENORMOUS gift, though. Why? Because someday, long in the future, something kinda tough—or really tough, for that matter—will come up. 

Maybe you’ll lose your job, or finances will get tight, or you or someone you love will get pretty sick. This is the kind of thing that might have crushed you before. Instead, you’ll look at the situation calmly and say truthfully, “this is nothing. I know what hard is, and I know that I can do absolutely anything.” And you will be right. Your life now is showing you what a superhero you truly are.

I can’t go back and hug 2014 me and tell her everything will be ok. But I can tell you, Mama. If you needed to hear this today, you’ve got this–whatever it is. You are tougher than any of the shit life will throw at you. You are stronger than you imagine. Now go out there, kick ass and get back to loving your life as quickly as possible.